“Mom, I can’t date white girls
anymore.” I told my mom this, during the
aftermath of a breakup I went through in college. While this statement could probably be
classified as one of the most racist things I have ever said, buried deep
within the hurt, confusion, and frustration of this statement, was a fragment
of truth that I, probably, still haven’t fully unpacked yet. Inter-racial/inter-cultural dating is complex
and sometimes difficult.
My statement to my mom makes it
seem like my relationship was plagued with constant cultural misunderstandings
and racially oriented strife. Let’s get
one thing straight: my then-girlfriend was by no means a racist. Nor was she culturally insensitive. While my then-girlfriend is of Anglo-Saxon
decent, we had quite a peaceful relationship, with minimal conflict and no “racial
conflict.” In fact the topic of race and
ethnicity was rarely discussed.
Maybe that was the real issue. Perhaps there was not enough of an outlet for
the expression of my culture and ethnicity.
Maybe I just felt that my girlfriend and I could not connect culturally. Maybe this was because she didn’t share the
experience of living as an ethnic minority.
Was it really that big of a deal? The fact that we didn’t’ talk “enough” about
race and ethnicity was definitely not the only thing that lead me to “vow off
white girls.”
In the community I grew up in,
Caucasians were a minority. I was
surrounded by a plethora of different skin tones. Thus, if I ever imagined myself in a romantic
relationship, my imaginary “better half” always had a bit of pigment in her
skin. I don’t know if other people’s
imaginations worked in the same way, but my guess is, that within the
subconscious image that your mind creates of your romantic future, the “significant
other” probably looks like you, or at least like people you were surrounded by
when you were growing up. Now that I
live in a place that is mainly populated by Anglo-Saxons, where no one looks
like me, I am forced to reconcile the tension between the romantic visions of
my adolescence and the romantic visions that seem reasonable within my present
circumstances. Constantly walking this
tension, can definitely serve to make the interracial dating experience quite difficult.
The last time I asked my parent’s
about their interracial/intercultural dating experience, I expected them to
have quite a bit to say, maybe even stories that reflected tensions within my
own experience. After all, I am the son
of an interracial/intercultural relationship (a beautiful and loving
25-plus-year long marriage). When I last
asked them, my mom had little to say and my dad talked about one or two dates,
he had gone on with women who had just recently moved to America. Although this type of
interracial/intercultural dating was not really the type of dating that I am
discussing, my dad’s comments did raise some interesting questions. Did my parents never actually go on a date
with each other prior to marriage? Have
my parents acclimated to each other so well that they no longer remember that
they are from separate cultures?
For many people, interracial or
intercultural dating is “not an issue,” for others, it is a choice. However, for some people, myself included,
interracial/intercultural dating is the only option. The only choice, for me, is whether or not to
go on a date. If I choose to go on this
date, it is inevitable that this will be an intercultural/interracial
experience. I am sometimes tempted to
frame this as a sort of dating handicap, which serves to involuntarily
complicate the process of me connecting with someone on a date, or at least as
a burden. While this mentality seems
extreme (and definitely is), there is an inescapable ethnic and cultural
element to my dating life.
My
experience as a multicultural individual has led me to believe that every
relationship (romantic or platonic) needs a platform for the expression of
cultural heritage. For me, my culture is
evident, due to my skin color and probably also due to the fact that I wear my
culture on my sleeve. For others, their
culture seemingly appears to be a mere drop in the vast cultural ocean of
whiteness. Regardless of people’s
perception or even one’s own perception of their personal cultural heritage, I
think it is important that there is room for cultural exploration as well as
expression in relationship.
Do I still
maintain my romantic racism today? No, I
think I was able to maintain that stance for a grand total of 3 months. Since making that statement to my mom, I have
gone and will* continue go on dates with white women. It’s not that I have adopted some sort of
colorblind dating philosophy, where I don’t see the skin color of my date. Nor is it that interracial dating has gotten
any less challenging. In fact the more
cultural education* I have, the more complex it “seems” to become. While I no longer discriminate potential
romantic partners based on skin color, I am definitely looking for some one who
exhibits cultural sensitivity, an interest in their own cultural/ethnic heritage,
and the potential for a shared interest in my cultural/ethnic heritage. Let’s be honest, if I stopped going on dates
with white women, it would be even harder for me to find someone to go on a
date with.
*If they will go on dates with me.
*I have not even begun to discuss the impact orientalism has
on interracial/intercultural dating…
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