A Date with the Law

Meeting new people can be challenging.  Meeting new people to date is even more challenging.  These days one of the more common places to meet new people is online.  The following is an email my friend Caleb sent me, describing an experience he recently had with one of the many online dating platforms. 

Corban, it was absolutely a joy getting to catch up last weekend. I was really glad to hear from you and how life is coming along these days. I miss you my friend, and surely hope this finds you well. As promised, here is a story in great detail from my ridiculous, slightly shameful night with 3 female FBI agents and way too much…milk (milk was a bad choice).

It all began with the crushing defeat of the team with the Cinderella-story by the not-so-fairy-tailish NBA powerhouse from a certain Lone Star state. As the game came to a close in utter annihilation, I received a text from a friend, inquiring as to what I had planned for the rest of the night. Not seeing the message for some time, I picked up my phone to plan out my reply. Before I could respond, he arrived in giddy excitement.

"There is this fine looking girl on Tinder, who’s at Blind Bear with her friends and we're going to meet up; wanna come?"

Let me back up a bit, to explain this "Tinder." Tinder is hailed as "the digital equivalent of stepping into a party and immediately knowing which of the people you find attractive think you’re good looking, too" by the Huffington Post. Apparently hooking up happens in real time, in an unreal way.

Though I had an inkling as to what this night might hold, I embarked with Darin to the trendy bar where his not-so-romantic crush was waiting. In the dimly lit light of the speakeasy-themed…dairy farm…we scanned the room for a small group of young women who were also using their radar systems to spot the not-so-knight in shining armor in the throng of souls looking for something stronger than their eleven dollar…milkshakes…could muster.

He finally locked eyes with a girl who matched the profile on his Tinder account. With long brown hair and an inviting smile she threw her arms around him in a friendly hug, perhaps to minimize the awkwardness of finally meeting the guy who only previously existed in her phone. As they paired off to get acquainted the faithful friends and I sat down to try and ease the oddness we were feeling at being wing-women and wing-men who had apparently been grounded indefinitely. Who needs a wing-man when you have Tinder?

In the course of our conversation about who we are, where each of us is from and what we're doing here in this city, one friend mentioned that she was studying seismology as a graduate student at the local university. At this point my ears perked up; for we were in a city not known for its emphasis on the study of the earth's plates and geologic motion. An odd field of study for this particular region indeed. As I sipped my…milk…on the rocks and watched the young singer belt out an old rock song that my parents probably listened to many times in their youth, I felt the vapid intentions of the momentary lovers from across the room as they offered forced smiles and awkward caresses of the shoulder. But what can you expect from two strangers who both know the direction of the end of the night? When Tinder Girl and her friends got up to use the bathroom, Aaron turned to me and stated, secretly, "Dude, my girl is an F.B.I. agent." Midway through sipping my milk I heard these words and stopped my swallow. Before I could respond, they returned from the bathroom and announced, "We're going to get out of here."

After we had all finished…our shakes and milk glasses…the consensus was to move along to the next dairy of choice, in which a lively blues band had started to play, and the mood was vibrant. At the entrance to the dairy, there sat one of those pesky hostess wenches that just wants your money and checks to make sure your not an underage teenager who snuck out of their parents house. Just when I was about to lament the fact that I wasn't carrying the $5 needed to gain entrance, TInder Girl pulled out a wallet, and showed the girl at the door. With a surprised and irksome look on her face, she waved us all in to the bar. We had kept our $5, and the plot had thickened more. 

When our time at the music filled…dairy…had ended we journeyed to the only place that made sense: the dance club. Before we got to the entrance one of Tinder Girl's friend whispered, "I hope they don't do a frisk down" with a wink "cause some of us are packin" as she motioned to her leg. The foggy conscience I called my mental state heard what she had said, but couldn't respond in any other manner than with laughter. 

Upon leaving the dance club at 2 a.m, we ventured to the ladies' apartment, just a few blocks away. Darin tried eagerly to swoon his Tinder love and persuade her to let him come up with her to the place where I imagined they would probably just play a board game or some other innocent activity that had nothing to do with sex. Naivety aside, I desperately hoped that nothing would come of their dance and leave me either forced to head upstairs with them to an unknown fate or left on my own to find a way home. As they bantered back and forth in flirtatious fashion, I let my milk influenced gaze take in the empty streets and dark buildings, and feel the magnitude of the vacancy. After a couple minutes of this indecisive dialogue she curtly said goodbye and walked up the stairs...alone. Without seeming too distraught, Darin turned to me and shrugged his shoulders. 

"Lets get a cab," he said. Off we went in search of our ride home away from the revelrous evening that brought us in contact with the Law; even if they were off-duty. 

Be Better than the Gap

       Sometimes dating is easy, care free, simple, and just makes sense.  However, I don't think I have ever experienced dating in this way.  As explained previously, some of the difficulties, confusion, and complexities I experience in dating can be attributed to the fact that interracial dating can sometimes be rather confusing and complex, and I only go on interracial dates*.  In spite of these not uncommon challenges that accompany interracial dating, interracial dating can sometimes be idealized in our culture.  This post-civil rights phenomena (very post) is well captured in the following Seinfeld clips: 

Here is the link to the second part, that has the full and only logical conclusion to finding out that you are just two white people dating.  

    While interracial couples fail to dominate our movie screens in prominent roles, the idea of interracial dating seems more common place and in many senses idealized, as aptly portrayed in this particular Seinfeld episode which aired 16 years ago.  As would be expected, the prevalence of interracial couples in the media has increased greatly.  Of the top 50 television shows currently on the air, 7 prominently feature interracial couples or dating.*  However, none of the characters in the "fictional" shows, in the interracial couples, are leading roles.  The 7 shows are, in order of most watched, The Bachelorette, The Bachelor, Modern Family, Parks and Rec, New Girl, Keeping Up with the Kardashians, and Community.  Arguments can be made, both, that 7 out of 50 is an outrageously small number and that it is 7 times as many shows as one would expect.  However, it is important to note both the prominence and the portrayal of such couples.  

     In both the Bachelor and the Bachelorette, while there is often a "multiracial" cast, no non-white participant has ever won either show.  Also, for these shows "multiracial" typically means either one to two African-American suitors or one to two Asian or Latina female contestants.*  In contrast, non-anglos seem to be protrayed as the relational winners* in the national "reality" fixation, Keeping Up with the Kardashians.  While interracial relationships are prominently displayed, both Chloe and Lamar and Kanye and Kim are depicted as relational spectacles, one of which being, probably, the most hypersexualized public relationship of the 21st century.  In both New Girl and Modern Family the interracial couples are supporting characters.  While, in New Girl, the non-anglo characters are not always overtly hypersexualized, their primary sex organs or secondary sex organs are subjects of multiple subplots.  The one interracial relationship in Community is a season long coupling of a white female and an African-American male.  While this show's depiction of this union is an overall positive representation, the African-American male with a Caucasian female, is, traditionally, the most common interracial romantic pairing depicted in major North American film media.  In contrast, Parks and Recreation depicts a much less common, nonsegregated romantic union.  For Parks, interracial dating consists of Aziz Ansari's character, Tom, stringing together a series of short-term relationships, most of which are obviously destined to fail.  While Tom's relationships are never the prominent romantic focal point, Parks does portray the often asexualized Indian male, in romantic relationships, most surprisingly though, without the help of the common pop-culture trope of Incessant-Karma-Sutra-References.  

          

     Our silver-screens also serve as the canvas for our colored representations of multi-colored love.  While some form of interracial relationship is commonly depicted in film, similar issues of prominence and protrayal arise as we attempt to evaluate the affects of these representations on our corporate romantic paradigms.  In 2012 only a handful of movies featured interracial relationships, the most notable being the 23rd edition of the blockbuster James Bond franchise, Skyfall.  While the series has an illustrious history of misogyny and glorified colonialism, this particular rendition seemed to take it to exaggerated heights.  Skyfall features French actress, Bérénice Lim Marlohe, exotified to portray a probably-Asian, but definitely-despendable James Bond "sex-interest."  Marlohe caps off her twenty minutes of screen time with a sudden and unmourned death, which, coincidently, was practically immediately proceeded by a "love" scene.  Although much of this is problematic, probably the most concerting is the potential resurgence of the subtle 21st century Asian equivalent of blackface.* 

     Just about ten years after the peak of the civil rights movement, in 1978, Edward Saïd's seminal book, Orientalism was published.  In it, Saïd analyzes various misrepresentations and harmful portrayals of non"Western" peoples* and cultures in all major media sources at the time. Years of these "misrepresentations" have served to play a major role in the shaping of public assumptions and opinions, strategically used to construct the "Western World" as known in contrast to the fallaciously framed "Eastern World."  To hopefully avoid my butchering of Saïd's dynamic work serving as your only understanding of this concept* here is a link to a decent introductory description of Orientalism.  

     

     Now just about forty-five years after the peak of the civil rights movement, we live in a world, marred by the psychological affects of this Orientalism, of which the implications stretch far beyond our mental categorizations.  Interracial relationships, when depicted in the media are constantly confined to the periphery, allowing themes from their highly engineered hollywood presentation to seep into our subconscious.  What in the world does any of this mean for me as a multi-cultural individual in the world of North American dating in the 21st century?  On the surface, you could say that it means my stock is up.  After all, a couple of white people dating is just boring.  However, I feel as if I must constantly be on guard, tip-toeing my way through a vast mine field of misinformed cultural and racial assumptions and characterizations.  The unfortunate catch-twenty-two is that even if my, potentially, justified fears are not realized in my romantic settings, my necessary precautions serve as yet another layer of protective emotional fencing that keep potential loved ones at an arm's length away.  And probably even more unfortunately, the explanation of this wall building phenomenon becomes an overly academic lecture, strangely similar to the one you have just read.  Interracial dating does not have to be all doom and gloom, by any means.  I for one, am quite hopeful.  Hopeful for the exciting, complex, and fulfilling potential of interracial dating.  For all the multicultural singles out there, be better than the Gap.  

* However, most of these difficulties should probably be attributed to my knack for incessant over analysis of all things. 

*http://www.tvguide.com/top-tv-shows Many other lists have less than 7.  

*Some North American churches share the same definition of multiracial.  

*Or losers if our relational scorecard accounts for relational health.  

*Attention James Bond Franchise: China has over .7 billion women living within its boarders, anyone of these women could have more accurately played a Chinese women in the film Skyfall.  Heck, I would even have taken Lucy Liu.

*Saïd, being of Palestinian descent, focuses on Middle Eastern peoples and Asian peoples. 

*Just like I butchered those 7 sitcoms.  

Reverse Romantic Racism

“Mom, I can’t date white girls anymore.”  I told my mom this, during the aftermath of a breakup I went through in college.  While this statement could probably be classified as one of the most racist things I have ever said, buried deep within the hurt, confusion, and frustration of this statement, was a fragment of truth that I, probably, still haven’t fully unpacked yet.  Inter-racial/inter-cultural dating is complex and sometimes difficult.

My statement to my mom makes it seem like my relationship was plagued with constant cultural misunderstandings and racially oriented strife.   Let’s get one thing straight: my then-girlfriend was by no means a racist.  Nor was she culturally insensitive.  While my then-girlfriend is of Anglo-Saxon decent, we had quite a peaceful relationship, with minimal conflict and no “racial conflict.”  In fact the topic of race and ethnicity was rarely discussed. 

Maybe that was the real issue.  Perhaps there was not enough of an outlet for the expression of my culture and ethnicity.  Maybe I just felt that my girlfriend and I could not connect culturally.  Maybe this was because she didn’t share the experience of living as an ethnic minority.  Was it really that big of a deal?  The fact that we didn’t’ talk “enough” about race and ethnicity was definitely not the only thing that lead me to “vow off white girls.” 

In the community I grew up in, Caucasians were a minority.  I was surrounded by a plethora of different skin tones.  Thus, if I ever imagined myself in a romantic relationship, my imaginary “better half” always had a bit of pigment in her skin.  I don’t know if other people’s imaginations worked in the same way, but my guess is, that within the subconscious image that your mind creates of your romantic future, the “significant other” probably looks like you, or at least like people you were surrounded by when you were growing up.  Now that I live in a place that is mainly populated by Anglo-Saxons, where no one looks like me, I am forced to reconcile the tension between the romantic visions of my adolescence and the romantic visions that seem reasonable within my present circumstances.  Constantly walking this tension, can definitely serve to make the interracial dating experience quite difficult. 

The last time I asked my parent’s about their interracial/intercultural dating experience, I expected them to have quite a bit to say, maybe even stories that reflected tensions within my own experience.  After all, I am the son of an interracial/intercultural relationship (a beautiful and loving 25-plus-year long marriage).   When I last asked them, my mom had little to say and my dad talked about one or two dates, he had gone on with women who had just recently moved to America.  Although this type of interracial/intercultural dating was not really the type of dating that I am discussing, my dad’s comments did raise some interesting questions.  Did my parents never actually go on a date with each other prior to marriage?  Have my parents acclimated to each other so well that they no longer remember that they are from separate cultures? 

For many people, interracial or intercultural dating is “not an issue,” for others, it is a choice.   However, for some people, myself included, interracial/intercultural dating is the only option.  The only choice, for me, is whether or not to go on a date.  If I choose to go on this date, it is inevitable that this will be an intercultural/interracial experience.   I am sometimes tempted to frame this as a sort of dating handicap, which serves to involuntarily complicate the process of me connecting with someone on a date, or at least as a burden.  While this mentality seems extreme (and definitely is), there is an inescapable ethnic and cultural element to my dating life. 

            My experience as a multicultural individual has led me to believe that every relationship (romantic or platonic) needs a platform for the expression of cultural heritage.  For me, my culture is evident, due to my skin color and probably also due to the fact that I wear my culture on my sleeve.  For others, their culture seemingly appears to be a mere drop in the vast cultural ocean of whiteness.  Regardless of people’s perception or even one’s own perception of their personal cultural heritage, I think it is important that there is room for cultural exploration as well as expression in relationship. 

            Do I still maintain my romantic racism today?  No, I think I was able to maintain that stance for a grand total of 3 months.  Since making that statement to my mom, I have gone and will* continue go on dates with white women.  It’s not that I have adopted some sort of colorblind dating philosophy, where I don’t see the skin color of my date.  Nor is it that interracial dating has gotten any less challenging.  In fact the more cultural education* I have, the more complex it “seems” to become.  While I no longer discriminate potential romantic partners based on skin color, I am definitely looking for some one who exhibits cultural sensitivity, an interest in their own cultural/ethnic heritage, and the potential for a shared interest in my cultural/ethnic heritage.  Let’s be honest, if I stopped going on dates with white women, it would be even harder for me to find someone to go on a date with. 

*If they will go on dates with me.

*I have not even begun to discuss the impact orientalism has on interracial/intercultural dating…

The Flirting Forum Episode 1: What is Flirting anyway?

I had a conversation with my good friend Duncan Richards the other day, in which he said, “Corban, I think I’m uncomfortable with the idea of flirting with more than one girl in a week.”  This statement inspired a project we have titled the Flirting Forum.  The Flirting Forum has consisted of an ongoing email thread where we have exchanged various thoughts, proposed definitions, video tutorials, stories, and hypotheses on flirting.  The following text is first edition of an ongoing series, The Flirting Forum.

Hey Corban,

So apparently what I thought was flirting is actually just talking.

"Flirting usually involves speaking and behaving in a way that suggests a mildly greater intimacy than the actual relationship between the parties would justify"- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flirting (the "types of flirting" section is particularly interesting- the only ones I think I do are "tease", or maybe "banter")

Here's the flirting you've (rightly) characterized by its secular intents. But even so, I think itincludes "Christian" flirting techniques (if there are such things).

I'm starting to think that my Christian understanding of flirting was that maybe you talk to attractive girls more than a few minutes... so there may be room to grow. I'm debating it.

I feel a blog post coming on. I may be able to crank something out this weekend.

- Duncan

Hi Duncan,

Hahahaha!  I might be wrong, but my guess is you're not alone, especially in the Christian community.  It seems like the community split amongst two equally peculiar, counter-cultural (if that's what you want to call it) views on flirting.  Flirting is either a catch all for every sort of inter-gender interaction or an unspeakable term that is reserved only for verbal foreplay that inevitably leads to sex!  

If you pair your former understanding of flirting as "talking" with your previous statement that you are uncomfortable flirting with more than 1 girl in a week, we are led to the brilliant conclusion that Duncan Richards is uncomfortable talking with more than 1 woman in a week!  This seems like a very difficult way to live.  If you go on a date during the week, do you have to postpone talking to your mom until next week?  

I actually really like the wikipedia definition you provided.  Especially, flirting as, "verbal or written communication as well as body language by one person to another, suggesting an interest in a deeper relationship with the other person."  I think this definition best captures the intentions and experience of flirting (or at least as I have understood it...no I did not personally write the definition of flirting in wikipedia!).  

While I definitely don't hold the same (seemingly) common negative connotations towards flirting, I do think these connotations are to some degree affirmed in the Oxford English Dictionary definitions listed below: 

• 1 [no object] behave as though attracted to or trying to attract someone, but for amusement rather than with serious intentions: it amused him to flirt with her
• (flirt with) experiment with or show a superficial interest in (an idea, activity, or movement) without committing oneself to it seriously: a painter who had flirted briefly with Cubism
• (flirt with) deliberately expose oneself to (danger or difficulty):

I definitely don't think flirting is only used for mere amusement.  However, I do think flirting is often strategic, generally used to establish a level of relational closeness that doesn't (actually or yet) exist.  

This is a lot for one email...I will send my video tutorials in a different email. 

-Corban