As
my dad sat at the foot of my bed, praying with me before I went to sleep, he
whispered, “God would please watch over the young lady you have chosen for
Corban, help her to come to know you. Grow her into the woman of God, you would
have her be.” For some reason, this prayer always tended to leave my
eight year old mind feeling a bit more at ease and secure, even more so than my
dad’s nightly prayers for safety and protection. I don’t quite remember
when these prayers started, perhaps they have been imprinting themselves and
their ideological underpinnings on my mind since before I was cognisant of
their existence.
While I am quite grateful for a dad who
cares for me, my future happiness and my future well being and while I remember
these prayers as some of the sweetest of my childhood and may at some point,
even pray them for children of my own (if that is in God’s plan for my life), I
do wonder what sort of ideological course these prayers have helped set me on.
These prayers definitely helped smuggle certain assumptions into my
subconscious. These assumptions were only recently uncovered a few years
ago. Probably the most significant of these, is that marriage is in my
future. I know that many parents strongly desire, maybe even long, for
their children to be able to share in the happiness they have found in the
institution of marriage and the many blessings that come with it. As
Christians, when we want something, we pray for it. And when we want
something for someone else, we pray for that too. Sometimes in this
process of wanting and praying, the lines between God’s will and our desires
are blurred, in our minds and in our speech. Sometimes this is because
our desires begin to reflect God’s communicated will, other times, it is
because we voice our desires as God’s will. Now I don’t pretend to know
how much, if any of this was/is at play in my father’s prayers for me and “my
future wife,” but I would not be surprised if this has happened within the
prayers of some parent somewhere for their child and their child’s future
spouse. Regardless, the point is, I might never get married. There
is a chance that it’s not God’s will for my life.
Even, I get a little depressed writing those words. The truth is, I am a “hopeless romantic” and the love and mutual understanding of, arguably ,the most intimate of human relationships (marriage) is definitely one of the desires of my heart. However, I do not want this desire to limit the infinite possibilities of God’s plan for my life. This assumption of impending marriage was not only perpetuated by the prayers of my father, I was exposed to its indoctrinating grasp (that might be too harsh of a term) many times throughout my seventeen conscious years in the western Church. I have heard it spoken at youth groups, preached from the pulpit (or beat up music stand, depending on the church), and snuck into conversations by mentors or old ladies at church who fashion themselves as non-Jewish Yentas (more on these Church-matchmakers in the near future). I probably faced it the most,during my four years of “inter-denominational,” evangelical college education. At least once a year, we had a speaker come to chapel and talk about marriage. The closest anyone ever came to talking about the value of singleness was when a female speaker said, “My thirty-five plus years of singleness was such a blessed time of preparation for marriage.” She then encouraged all the students to, likewise, use their “time” of singleness to prepare themselves for their eventual marriage. I don’t mean to turn a deaf ear to the value within the words of this particular speaker or anyone who has perpetuated the assumption of marriage, but I do want to expose this assumption.
I don’t know how large a role my dad’s “wife prayers” played in the formation of the romantic relational ideology of my youth. However, I do know that I definitely believed in the romanticized idea of “The One*,” for a loooong time. (*The One, referring to there being only one person destined to be my life partner, not referring to the Jet Li movie where he kills all of his alternative universe alter-egos with the help of Jason Statham). While I do not want to generalize that this belief pervades American Christian culture, it was undeniably ever-present in the cultural media I was exposed to as a child (and as an adult). From Disney movies, to fairy tales, to the Princess Bride, I was enculturated to believe that there was only one perfect match for me, waiting to be found. My greater theological journey as of late, has led me to place more emphasis on free will within the mysterious interplay of determinism and free will in our universe. Thus, I find it more difficult to articulate my understanding of God’s foreknowledge, sovereignty, and (sometimes) providential hand and their respective interplay with my free will and active agency in my romantic journey.
What is God’s active role in my dating life? I certainly am no longer waiting around for God to part the skies, come “down” (yes, as if heaven is physically above earth) and tell me when to ask a girl out. Nor, have I ever used the “God is telling me not to date you,” cop-out line. However, I do think God plays an active role in our world and thus, in my dating life. Does that look like God, ordaining a beautiful woman to run into me at a 7/11? Does that mean that the Holy Spirit will push me to ask a woman out at a bar (or some other non-alcoholic watering hole)? Does that mean God might push a woman to take an active role in the pursuit of a relationship with me, equal to my own active role? Does that mean my natural attraction to someone (not to their “Character” or their “Spirit”) might be part of God’s hand in my dating life? I don’t know.
Even, I get a little depressed writing those words. The truth is, I am a “hopeless romantic” and the love and mutual understanding of, arguably ,the most intimate of human relationships (marriage) is definitely one of the desires of my heart. However, I do not want this desire to limit the infinite possibilities of God’s plan for my life. This assumption of impending marriage was not only perpetuated by the prayers of my father, I was exposed to its indoctrinating grasp (that might be too harsh of a term) many times throughout my seventeen conscious years in the western Church. I have heard it spoken at youth groups, preached from the pulpit (or beat up music stand, depending on the church), and snuck into conversations by mentors or old ladies at church who fashion themselves as non-Jewish Yentas (more on these Church-matchmakers in the near future). I probably faced it the most,during my four years of “inter-denominational,” evangelical college education. At least once a year, we had a speaker come to chapel and talk about marriage. The closest anyone ever came to talking about the value of singleness was when a female speaker said, “My thirty-five plus years of singleness was such a blessed time of preparation for marriage.” She then encouraged all the students to, likewise, use their “time” of singleness to prepare themselves for their eventual marriage. I don’t mean to turn a deaf ear to the value within the words of this particular speaker or anyone who has perpetuated the assumption of marriage, but I do want to expose this assumption.
I don’t know how large a role my dad’s “wife prayers” played in the formation of the romantic relational ideology of my youth. However, I do know that I definitely believed in the romanticized idea of “The One*,” for a loooong time. (*The One, referring to there being only one person destined to be my life partner, not referring to the Jet Li movie where he kills all of his alternative universe alter-egos with the help of Jason Statham). While I do not want to generalize that this belief pervades American Christian culture, it was undeniably ever-present in the cultural media I was exposed to as a child (and as an adult). From Disney movies, to fairy tales, to the Princess Bride, I was enculturated to believe that there was only one perfect match for me, waiting to be found. My greater theological journey as of late, has led me to place more emphasis on free will within the mysterious interplay of determinism and free will in our universe. Thus, I find it more difficult to articulate my understanding of God’s foreknowledge, sovereignty, and (sometimes) providential hand and their respective interplay with my free will and active agency in my romantic journey.
What is God’s active role in my dating life? I certainly am no longer waiting around for God to part the skies, come “down” (yes, as if heaven is physically above earth) and tell me when to ask a girl out. Nor, have I ever used the “God is telling me not to date you,” cop-out line. However, I do think God plays an active role in our world and thus, in my dating life. Does that look like God, ordaining a beautiful woman to run into me at a 7/11? Does that mean that the Holy Spirit will push me to ask a woman out at a bar (or some other non-alcoholic watering hole)? Does that mean God might push a woman to take an active role in the pursuit of a relationship with me, equal to my own active role? Does that mean my natural attraction to someone (not to their “Character” or their “Spirit”) might be part of God’s hand in my dating life? I don’t know.
No comments:
Post a Comment