Dating on an Empty Stomach

I stumbled out of class, swaying and staggering my way to the bookstore to purchase some sort of food. After struggling to complete my transaction, I returned to class and ate my snack. Why did I embarrass myself in front of my professor and my classmates? Why was I flailing around, like a drunk driver trying his or her best to walk in a straight line while reciting the alphabet backwards, when all they were asked to do was take a breathalyzer test? Earlier that week, I had decided to ask a girl out on a date. And earlier that week I had decided that this meant that I needed to go on a fast.

I have a rather specific and rare medical condition that makes fasting a difficult endeavor for me and which, highly contributed to my mid-class bumbling. Since I was about eleven, I have suffered from Havetoeat3mealsaday disorder. Initially it was a tough transition for me and for my family, but over the years, we have been able to acclimate well. This relatively incurable condition brought my one day fast to a sudden halt, as I was beginning to feel delirious and had started shaking. Perhaps this inability to finish the fast, strips the following self-critique of some of its insight or veracity. However, I most definitely engaged in the over-spiritualization of dating.

While I am by no means absolved of responsibility, I was simply following the course I had been set on. This was the first time I had asked a girl on a date. The whole process was totally foreign to me. Remember, prior to this, I had been waiting to be married before I would start dating. Not only did I not know how to go about asking/what to say, I had no idea what the spiritual implications of this date would be. While I had, no intention of committing any notable sins, like: (extra-marital?)sex, drugs, murder, coveting, cheating on my taxes, or gluttony (obviously not gluttony, hence the no eating thing), I was quite uncertain of how my asking this girl on a date, would affect my spiritual trajectory. Was I following God's will? If I was following God's will, was I following God's plan? What if we started a relationship that eventually ended, would I be pushing God's plan for my life back by a few years? Fueled by over spiritualized rhetoric, embedded in a subculture which was inundating me with marriage talk, I was “destined” to make asking a girl out, a highly spiritualized endeavor.

Both spirituality in general and more specifically spiritual disciplines do have a place in daily life and in dating life.  However, I often see the “spiritual life” displayed in two extremes.  Either, spiritual disciplines (with the exception of prayer, study, and worship) are neglected, or every minute of the day is spent attempting to sense the spirit (strictly for sensing’s sake) and every sentence is prefaced with, “If it’s God’s will.”  While I do not think either of these lifestyles are constructive or healthy, I also think these both can easily lead to an over spiritualized approach to dating.  For me, spiritual disciplines, such as fasting, were relegated to the quiet corner of life where important decisions were made or significant events were about to take place.  I do think that fasting, solitude, celebration, meditation, confession ext. should be more prominently featured in our lives.  However, that does not mean that people (men or women) should fast or significant time of solitude every time they ask someone on a date.  For me, fasting added a great degree of severity to the date (primarily in my perception of it though).  

Unfortunately, I was not rudely awakened to the fact that fasting before asking a girl out and asking all of my questions related to God's sovereignty was an abnormal, ridiculous, and frankly, harmful way go about things. Instead, I was ushered into a subculture, where this seemed decently normal. To make matters worse, my preparation ritual actually seemed “casual” compared to the weeks of prayers, journaling, and relational defining that made up the “girl’s” response.  Although I had fasted before popping the “date” question, even I was not prepared to accept the “mandatory” three relational mapping conversations prior to going on the date, as normal.  I do not wish that experience on anyone, but unfortunately my experience is no isolated incident.  If I had a dollar for every time I heard the story of Gideon setting out the fleece for God to speak to him with, as a justification for extended preparation before asking a girl on a date, I would only have about three dollars.  But still, that is way too many dollars!   Adding unnecessary pressure to dating almost seems like it is a required class in most Christian colleges and I would suspect that many Christian “young professionals” who went to these schools failed to escape with their dating philosophies unscathed.  

One of the greatest contributors to the hyper-spiritualized Christian dating scene is the internalized goals Christians have for dating or even just one date.  For “non-Christians,” it would seem that the goal of a date is fairly simple: get laid.  However, dating goals aren't as simple for Christians.  The goal of a date, for a Christian, definitely isn't to get laid.  But does that require the goal to then be to find someone to marry?  While this has never been an explicitly articulated goal of mine, it had most definitely made itself at home deep in my subconscious.  Even if I did not want to maintain this dating goal, I was ill-equipped to escape the decades of marriage pressure within the (American) Church, the years of courtship talk, and the constant pressure to in a reactionary manner pit myself in binary opposition to the “world’s” dating goals.  What would a healthier goal for dating (mostly casual dating/first dates) be?  

While I do think that maintaining a goal of finding a husband or wife puts a considerable amount of unnecessary pressure and severity on a first date, I do think that marriage should have a place in our conscious thoughts or goals for dating.  However, I think the natural stages of development of a relationship require a bit more attention than is often given to them.  If I may be so bold (not really that bold), I would say that discussion or thoughts of marriage have no place on a first date.  Perhaps, a more appropriate goal would be something like: going on a date to possibly find someone that you could possibly, maybe, one day, potentially think about thinking about whether or you could marry them.  Or maybe that is as crazy and convoluted as it sounds, and we should all go on fasts before we go on dates.